Rejecting Ageing
Ageing is one of the most difficult processes to deal with in our lifespan growth. As we age, we have to deal with losses every day, including the loss of physical ability, mental faculty, career when we retire, and friends and family. The last stage of our lifespan development is moving in the opposite direction of what we are used to. From infancy to adulthood, growth is the norm - we become stronger both physically and mentally in this initial stage of life. We are taught to be independent financially and emotionally as we mature. However, from middle age onwards, all of this starts to change. Ageing comes with the concept of decay; we find ourselves becoming slower, weaker, and less nimble. We gain weight, grow more grey hair, and develop new health scares every now and then. Ageing is ugly and unsexy, and of course, no one likes it.
Age and Identification
Ironically, the more we resist the process of ageing, the more we tend to suffer. By rejecting the natural progression of growth and decay, we deny ourselves the opportunity for growth and self-acceptance. Every living being undergoes this journey, and by acknowledging its inevitability, we can free ourselves from the burden of resistance. Embracing ageing allows us to cultivate resilience, wisdom, and a deeper appreciation for the richness of life's experiences.
In Yoga, we have a concept - "Asmita - false identification of self" - that explains an individual can be confused and result in unhappiness when they are unsettled in self-identification. Modern psychology terms this as a state of incongruence to personal identity. In Buddhism, anattā (non-self) reminds us that the self is not a permanent construct; it is subject to change as time passes. However, the good news is that our core as an individual will always be the same if we find time and space to explore them.
Anxiety and Dementia
I witnessed my mother go through a very tough process of rejecting ageing from her 80th birthday onwards. My mother was the model senior citizen who embraced active ageing promoted by our government. She underwent many health challenges in her middle age and managed to recondition her body with the practice of Tai Chi and Qigong. She managed to maintain a very healthy lifestyle with daily exercises and an abundance of social activities, including yearly traveling trips with her friends and relatives. Unfortunately, as she turned 80, her body could no longer sustain the same amount of activity she used to do. However, she rejected the idea that she had to slow down. That was not her nature; she was used to persevering and triumphing over difficulties. I witnessed how her inability to accept her decaying body created a tone of anxiety and fear of entering the older old stage of life that finally drove her into the current stage of dementia.
The Change
Managing my mum in the initial stage of dementia was the most challenging task I have encountered. The confusion, anxiety, mood swings, and outbursts of anger made caregiving an impossible task. Nothing I did seemed to be right for her. Fast forward to the second stage of dementia with an added heart health problem; we decided to hire a helper to care for mum. My helper's gentle nature and patient assistance had a calming effect on mum, leading her to come to terms with the natural process of aging and acknowledge that she required assistance in her daily life. Since then, I have noticed that she has become more relaxed and easy-going. Despite dealing with the challenges of her deteriorating body, she frequently smiles and compliments both myself and my helper, which is a testament to her appreciation for the care she receives. However, as time progresses, aging has been taking a toll on her. Eating and swallowing have become tougher, and she is dealing with incontinence and sleeping issues. Her mobility has also significantly declined. Despite these challenges, her spirit remains in a very healthy state, she is now cheerful, playful and at ease most of the time.
I can tell that she has finally accepted ageing.
Mekhala is starting a new "chair yoga for caregivers" class. Click to find out more.